Bebop is on sedatives.

She's lumbering around with her eyes half-closed, tripping over the edges of rugs that have been in place for weeks and licking dark spots on the walls.

I love my dog.

In other news, I have once again done nothing of importance all day.  I woke up at 8:15 (30 minutes later than I was supposed to) and promptly left for track practice 5 minutes later.  Due to me being a high jumper, I was not required to complete the slightly brutal sprint workout that the other suckers had to do.  

Working on my house and later chilling with GG2 was no more productive (just the way I like it).  We did, however, manage to get brutally eye-raped by frat boys driving by in their pickup trucks (3 vehicles within the span of 10 minutes...good god.)  Seriously.  When is it EVER appropriate to yell, "Hey babe, hop in the back for a ride!!  Ow OWWW!!"?  Too bad that we're both underage........yeesh.

I've dedicated the rest of this day to just thinking about all of the things that I haven't had time to think about in past weeks.  I don't know if I'll come up with any solutions, but it'll be nice to know that I tried.

Primarily on the list: What the hell do I need to do so that the people I love aren't disappointed in me?

Let's start with my parents.  They would never say out loud that they wish I weren't taking so many medications, or that they'll always wonder what it would be like to have a kid they didn't have to worry about so much.  But I can see it.  It's in the way they look at old pictures of me in my single-digit years, in the way their voice changes slightly when they remind me to take my pills in the morning.  They wish I weren't so messed up, and it kills them to think that this is who they're stuck with.

The question for me to answer is, what the hell am I supposed to do about it?  There has to be something.  There has to be something that I can control.  For their sake and mine.

Moving on to my best friends (you all know who you are).  I've mentioned the word "futility" quite a lot in previous posts.  Still fits.  I can't say or do anything to make anything better, and it frustrates me to no end.  I don't think anything hurts me more than seeing my friends in pain.  It hurts even more when I'm absolutely useless in my efforts to soften the blows.  I love them more than anybody else in my life.  I don't think I could function properly if I were to lose any one of them.  It's honestly my biggest fear.  It goes beyond just a "oh no, now I won't have anybody to gossip with" thing.  It's a deeply-rooted terror that I'll lose somebody I love because I wasn't able to do anything to save them.  That may be selfish of me, but it's the truth.

So I guess all I want from my friends is this.  Let me know when something is wrong.  Call me if you need a voice to listen to or an ear to rant at.  Yell at me, hug me, slap me across the face, do WHATEVER YOU NEED to do to make things even just a little bit better.  Hell, I will drive to any damn location at any time of night if you need me to be there, if that's what it would take to keep you safe.

Just don't make me watch you disappear.  Please.