A Long Long Time Ago

Once upon a time, there was a young girl who swore that she would never allow herself to drown in the sick follies and betrayals of love.  From a very young age, she had convinced herself that she could, and would live and die alone.  Loneliness was a small price to pay for living a life free of the deception and emotional torment that inevitably came with being in love.

Many years passed, and as this young girl grew to become a young woman, she stood steadfastly against the idea of love.  For her, it was an idealistic mistake meant only for the fools that believed it could exist in a pure and beautiful form.  Of course, she dabbled in experiencing a very shallow form of these emotions, as many young women do.  However, she found that even these little experiences proved to be too painful for her to endure, and so, she shut in her heart completely.  No majestic prince would come on a gleaming white stallion to gallantly save her from her passionate desperation; there was no point in waiting.

Well, this young woman was right.  There would be no majestic prince.  In his place came the slightly shy and a little bit awkward, yet perfectly endearing young musician in a run-down Jaguar that had a CD player that skipped every time the car accelerated.

At first, she was anxious and perhaps a bit too cautious.  She knew that it was dangerous to allow herself to feel anything.  It could end in pain, just like all of the others.  But she grew to discover that this young man could be trusted with her heart, even in its most fragile of states.  And so bit by bit, piece by piece, she gave him her heart and for the first time in her life, she felt that it would be safe in another's hands.  There was only one step left to take.  Nervously, but with as much conviction as she could gather, she looked into his eyes and said the words that she swore would never leave her lips: I'm In Love With You.

And he smiled, and he kissed her, and he didn't have to say anything for her to know that he felt the same swelling in his heart that she felt in hers.

And the revelation was complete.

So I Lied

I can't do a long post tonight because I have an exorbitant amount of work to do.

And I'm so tired I can't see straight.

Quickie

I will write more tonight, but as of now I have approximately 10 minutes to spill my guts on the Interwebs.

Tyler Durden!  Get your work done!  And get over the sickness that has overtaken everyone in our grade!  Because when you are busy and sick and frustrated and stressed out, I don't get to hang out with you.  And that bothers me quite a bit.  Tu me haces falta.  :-)

I'll make a deal.  Once you get everything out of the way, I'll figure out something special to do when we hang out again (preferably at your house this time).  No hints as to what that might be.  You'll just have to see for yourself when you clear out the cavern of school bullshit.

Tech week is coming up.  Fuck my life.  We're all going to die in a fire.

But I'm excited.  These final weeks before the performances are always so stressful, but it's a good stress.  I feel like I'm always kicked into 5th gear (for those of you who DON'T know how to drive a stick, I'm always on GO-GO-GO mode).  It's a rush.  And it's a great excuse for me to hang out with some of the coolest people I know-basically, all of my best friends and loved ones are involved in these plays, many of them directly involved in the play that I am in (Cylon will come to see the plays, so he counts.  And although PN Lite isn't involved with Wouldn't It Be Nice?, I still get to see her during the mass rehearsals.  So HA!).

More tonight when I have time to think coherently.

Bye Bye Baby

Bye bye baby...Cybil says as she walks out the door.

You can bet that Hollywood looks oh-so-good,

Much better than it ever has before.

So my pets have left me

In search of careers and richer soils,

Heading off to pure-bred friends and happy ends

And anything to prove I'm disloyal.

It's not just that I'm selfish and scared.

It's not just that I'm so unprepared.

It's just you'd think I'd grow out of this...wouldn't you?

So take me to winter

As if it was discontent I'd see

I'd live with the madmen there and pull my hair

'Cause lunacy is everything I need.

It's not just that I'm selfish and scared.

It's not just that I'm so unprepared.

It's just you'd think I'd grow out of this...wouldn't you?

Bye bye baby...Cybil says as she walks out the door.

You can bet that Hollywood looks oh-so-good,

Much better than it ever has before.

Let's get something straight

I miss you.  Or rather, I miss who you used to be.  I think back to the person I loved a few years ago...I want her back.  

I saw a few shimmers of that girl tonight.  I don't think she's completely gone.  Somewhere, I know she still loves me and wants things to be the way they were.  So I'm willing to give things one last chance, because I don't want to lose her forever.  I know you can let her out.

But let's clear a few things up.

First and foremost...I don't give a FUCK how many guys have flirted with you, or how many guys you've had to turn down (I especially don't care if they're guys you know I used to have feelings for and couldn't get any reciprocal affections from).  It used to make me feel ugly and insecure, but now it just pisses me off.  You do realize that there are other girls who are working their ASSES off and PRAYING and CRYING to get those guys to even LOOK OVER once in a while, and that your comments about who "supposedly" was stroking your thigh under the desk during class make them feel worse than they did before.  Contrary to your belief, not everybody is madly in love with you and your tits.  I'm tired of hearing about it, and I'm tired of hearing about how ready you'd be to hook up with the senior hottie of the day if the opportunity presented itself even though you have a fucking boyfriend.  Show some goddamn loyalty and some fucking self respect.

Secondly, how dare you come to me complaining that your best friend is being a bitch because she's mad at you after you PRESSURED HER TO DRINK WHEN SHE DIDN'T WANT TO.  No, booze is not a big deal, but it's a HUGE fucking deal when you don't take the time or energy to respect a simple and perfectly reasonable wish.  Especially if it's your best friend.  Yes, I agree that angry teenagers are a pain in the ass, but in this case, it's most definitely YOUR FAULT that you're stuck with a pissed-off friend.

Thirdly....I'm sorry, but if you whine about how acting just "isn't worth it for such small parts that I'm above" ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME, I swear to fucking god I'm not going to be polite and hold back.  You aren't a brilliant actress.  Actually, you're pretty horrible.  There are many things that you're quite good at, but acting really isn't one of them.  So yeah...any time you get a part with five lines or less, you deserve it.  Frankly, you probably don't deserve to get cast at all.  And if you took acting seriously at all, you'd understand that performers aren't going to get what they want all the time.  Getting your mother to call the director and complain about casting is unprofessional, childish, and weak.  Grow up, show some humility, and keep the fellow actor-bashing to a minimum.  Nobody else cares.

Look.  This is why I distanced myself in the first place.  I was sick of the competitive and humiliating bullshit that I always had to deal with; it got to the point where I couldn't be around you without feeling physically disgusted with myself.  But tonight, I remembered what made me care about you and love you in the first place.  I still see that something's there...

I miss you and I care about you.  I really really do.  But let's get something straight.

I'm not going to put up with this anymore.

Patty Cake

Cylon just told me what happened...it's scary, but I'm hoping you'll be just fine.  

We know you can do it.

We have faith.

You will be okay.  I can feel it.

Try not to get too sick on gross hospital food.

I Love You

It's been almost 10 years since I've said "I love you" out loud to anyone.

I haven't said it to my friends.  I haven't said it to my family.  Nobody.

It's not because I don't feel it.  I do.  There are so many people in my life who I love with every inch of myself.

But I've been afraid.  Afraid that I'd make myself too emotionally vulnerable.  Afraid that I'd reach out and the people I love would pull away.

I'm sick of being afraid.

I know that this isn't exactly an "in person" thing, but I'd like to think that it's a start.

So let's begin.

GG2:  Words can't possibly describe how much you mean to me; I think I'm seriously blessed to have a friend like you-someone who can make me laugh until my ribs hurt, someone who can knock some sense into me when I'm being unreasonable, someone who can make any emotional wound feel better with just a hug.  You're one of the only people I can count on to be completely honest, and somehow you put up with me and stay with me no matter how annoying I get.  We've had our good moments, our bad moments, and our ugly moments, but it's all been undoubtedly worth it.  You're such an important part of my life, and I wouldn't give up a single bit of it.  Knowing that you care about me has saved my life.  I don't say this often enough, but I mean it with all of my heart; I love you.

Cylon:  You've seen me at my best and you've seen me at my worst.  And you've stuck with me through all of it.  That means so much to me...to have someone that I can count on to stay with me through the good and the bad.  You're my best guy friend; somebody I can go to for advice.  Somebody I can trust.  Somebody I can laugh with.  And, admittedly, somebody I can talk about hot girls with (Megan Fox, anyone?).  I know that you accept me completely for who I am, and that's the most I can ask from a friend.  I know that we'll always be there for each other, no matter what happens.  You're a great friend, and I love you.

PN Lite:  What more can I say other than the fact that I'm happy when I'm with you?  You never fail to make me smile.  Every hour that I've spent with you laughing about a virile video or gushing about guys when homework was still looming over my head was completely worth the procrastination-related stress.  You are so special to me, and I want you to know that I love you thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much.  (Yeah...it's a "Penguins of Madagascar" reference.  No I wasn't secretly watching Nickelodeon in my Utah hotel room.)  But in all seriousness...you're one of the most wonderful girls I know.  And I love you.

BB McGee:  You're probably the strongest person I know.  You have a quality that I'm not even sure how to describe...whether it's strength, generosity, caring, or a grand mix of all three.  All I know is that I admire and care about you beyond belief.  I admire your talent, I love your sense of humor, and I respect the integrity you have in dealing with almost any situation, but most of all, I just love to be with you because you make me a better person.  I know that you'll always be there for me, and I know that I'll always be there for you.  You're an intensely special girl and an intensely special friend, and I love you.

Tyler Durden:  As each day goes by, I feel more and more lucky that I'm with you.  On the list of places where I feel safe and happy, in your arms is pretty damn high up there.  You're one of the most incredible, unique guys I've ever met; even now, sometimes it's hard for me to believe that I've found somebody I can trust and care about so completely.  If somebody asked me to pick one favorite thing about our relationship, I don't think I could choose; the laughter, the shy and knowing smiles, the conversations about Walt Whitman, the kisses...it's all beautiful.  We've been friends before, and I know that no matter what happens, we'll continue to be friends.  But at least for now (and I'm hoping for a long time), I love you in more ways than one. 

Well there it is.  All the cards are out.

It's like I've been holding my breath for years and I've just finally exhaled.

I'll see you all tomorrow.  I can't wait.  :-)

An Open Letter

Sometimes you need to know that loving someone means understanding when to let them go.  It would be arrogant of me to say that my friends can't live without me, or that my boyfriend will never find another girl to care for.  

I'm not special.  I'm not beautiful.  I'm not unique.

In short, I'm completely replaceable.  

So if you want me to stay, I will be more than happy to.  Really, the only thing keeping me going is some semblance of an idea that I'm wanted.  But if all I do is make you unhappy, and you think that you'd be better off without me in the picture, just say the word.  I'll collect my things and I'll go.  It'll rip me apart, but I'll get out of your way if that's what you want.  And I wouldn't be sad for too long-when I say that I'd go, I mean it in every sense.  "There ain't no rest for the wicked until we close our eyes for good."

If I were to disappear, what would happen?  My friends might pretend that they've lost something special or important, but new people will quickly fill the void and they'll give my friends the respect and love I apparently still can't seem to provide.  My boyfriend will find a beautiful, blue-eyed musician and he'll forget my quirks and neuroses.  My parents...well of course they'd be sad for a while, but they'd soon learn that everyone's life is easier without me and my prescription bottles.  And my siblings would only remember me as their insane sister who finally snapped, like everyone knew she would.

The main thesis of this presentation?  Tell me if you want me.  Just tell me the truth.  If you do, I'll stay, and I promise that I'll never leave.  But if you don't, I'll accept it, pack my bags, and close my eyes for good.

Mangled and Torqued Rag Doll

Sobbing and coughing up stomach bile until your entire respiratory system aches can do wonders for the soul.  Being curled up on the bathroom floor clutching the shower curtain as tears blackened with old mascara run down your nose isn't the most attractive state of being, but god DAMN do I feel better now.

Not.  I just feel less volatile.  Less pressurized.  Yet still the same mangled and torqued rag doll as before.

I've decided that nobody or nothing is ever "good enough."  We always have to keep proving ourselves-proving that we're good, law abiding citizens, proving that we love a friend more than words in any language can possibly express, proving that we're not going to abandon the people that we love.  Proving that we really are getting shit right.

But what do you do if you've already said and done everything you possibly can?

I'll tell you what you do.  You make your last, final stand and then you just give the fuck up.  You collapse onto the bathroom floor, phone and empty prescription bottle still in your hand, and you just GIVE UP.

There's no hope when your best effort still isn't good enough.  You can only say "I love you" so many times to unbelieving ears before it just gets to be wasted breath.  

But here it is one more time.  Just for good measure.

I LOVE YOU, and the only reason I'm not giving up for good is because I made a promise that I would never leave, even though sometimes I'm positive you'd be better off without me.

So I'm here to stay.