Jutzpah

"Hey, you wanna go to homecoming with me?"

"You don't have a date? We should go together!"

"You should come to homecoming with me, it'll be fun!"

"I'd offer to ask you to come to homecoming with me, but only if you can deal with my sweet dance skills."

"You should come in our limo. We'll have a contest-if I trip over my heels, I have to jerk as soon as we get out of the car."

So many options.

All of them so simple.

And so fucking scary....

Guys. How do you do it? Where do you find the jutzpah to ask a girl out? If you can't tell me where you get it, can you lend me some?

Seriously. I need suggestions.

Thanks.

EDIT: THIS IS MY 100th POST!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Question and answer

Am I a bitch?

Some would argue that I am. I relentlessly ripped apart an old friend and took it upon myself to get out of a situation that would hurt me in the end. Finally I got to be the one to do the leaving. Bitchy? Possibly. Probably.

But I've been thinking. I don't care whether I was a bitch or not. Things had to be said. Things had to be done. When I'm so angry about something for so long....it needs to be discussed. And I'm tired of giving mercy where it isn't due. I wasn't very nice. But what other option did I have? Was there even a chance that I'd be able to salvage something? And even if there was...would it be worth it?

I may end up losing someone I considered to be a great friend. But I'm also getting rid of the bullshit that came along with that [toxic] dynamic. And finally, FINALLY it's on my terms instead of his.

I'll be the first to admit that every action I take regarding this circumstance is purely self-serving. I'll also admit that it feels good sometimes. To know that I'm doing everything I can to keep ME safe. To be "coldly analytical."

Oh darling..you're a million ways to be cruel.

<3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Ezy50aY6Bg

Watch the above video. That's pretty much how I feel after we talk. Especially after he hugs me.

He makes me smile.

He makes me laugh.

I always feel like singing after we talk. (Be happy that I don't)

In ballet class, I imagine that he's watching me dance, and I dance better. My instructors noticed; "Lovely grande alegro Kira, you're even smiling!"

He's the reason why I bother with makeup.

I look forward to B block because that's just another chance I get to be with him.

When I wake up thinking "I want to look cute," he's the guy I'm trying to impress.

When he sent me the text saying ":-). You're a lead in the play! I'm happy for you", I nearly went into coniptions.

There are times when he's so legitimately hot...and times when he's ridiculously adorable. I haven't seen many guys who can pull off both, and I love it.

Basically, he makes me very very happy.

:-)

:-D

<3

I could have danced all night

Cast list for Nutcracker went up.

I. Have. Sugar plum.

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY

Sugar plum, Spanish soloist, and Mirliton.

I'm so happy. I can't even....agh. I can't even tell you guys how excited I am for this year.

This wind is blowing my mind

I suppose this is different in a way. For the first time I'm losing a friend on MY terms...ish. And having even that tiny element of control makes this a little easier to swallow.

But the same anger is still there. Not just directed at the person in question. It's a general desperate fury. And even though this situation is different, the question is still the same.

Why? What went wrong?

Part of me is still wondering whether I made the right decision. But I really don't know where else I can go. I don't know what else to do.

All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word...

About to die of a broken heart, and STILL this ballet has a happy ending

Maria, [he'll] never stop saying Maria.....

Against all of my better judgement, I want that fairy tale ending.

Maybe it's all of the romantic classical ballets that I've been exposed to. I don't know.

But I want that love. It doesn't matter whether you've been transformed into an enchanted swan princess, or whether you get murdered by a jealous rival, or whether you get abducted by pirates and taken into a harem. Everything still ends in a way that's, at worst, bittersweet.

Wouldn't it be great if love really did conquer all?

A shameless plug

HOLY SHIT

CAN IT BE???

I THINK IT CAN
IT'S TRUE!

NEW BALLET COMING UP OH MY GOODNESS

Is it safe?

Yes it's safe.

All of the sensitive contraband is accounted for underneath my mattress. Bebop is a happy happy puppy.

Things are alright.

Some pre-interview reflections:

I'm in the lair of the helicopter parent. The uncomfortably matchy-matchy, fushia lipstick wearing, country club helicopter parent.

The lobby of the Pomona admin office is a scary place. I feel like they all know I'm faking. Even in my knee length dress and grey cardigan. I've even got the fucking headband.

I am a well disguised imposter.

I've been the victim of a selfish kind of love

These two entries were both written whilst sitting in the CMC quad.

1. I'm starting with the man in the mirror.

And no message could have been any clearer.

I can't wait until college. I don't even worry about where I'll end up anymore. I know I'll be somewhere good. I'll be happy.

I just don't want to be here anymore.

I don't think I can start with a clean slate until I physically leave my old slate behind. It doesn't matter what you do or what you say. It can't erase what already happened. You just carve new letters and shapes into an already chiseled stone until you can't tell what's past or present. It's all one convoluted mess of then and now. Sure, things blur together. They become harder and harder to read underneath all of the new inscriptions. But they never disappear. People who were there to watch you first write them will still be able to read what was said years or weeks or minutes ago. And in many ways, that sucks.

It's time we all got away from each other. Start writing on a new slate, with people who don't even know that the old slate exists. Get another chance, experience that great minute during which nobody knows anything about who or what you are.

Anonymity is the greatest freedom.

2. Stand and face the hounds of hell.

People walking by me on the CMC campus probably think I'm taking important notes.

Ha.

I've parked myself on a bench in front of the [Jack] Bauer Center. My id is telling me to wade through the fountain. My better consciousness is prohibiting such horseplay. All for the best, I imagine.

I should carry one of these yellow notepads around with me more often. I could be a rather prolific journalist. I think I'm more productive with just pen and paper. There's something very satisfying about filling a page with ink...it doesn't really translate to a digital word processor. There's a lack of tactility, that grip you have on a pen or the way a paper pad holds firm against the pressure of a ballpoint.

I've even finalized my list of schools. Jesus, where is this productivity coming from?

And now, my thoughts turn to PC. Fantastic.

I'll exercise some restraint when committing my thoughts to written word; this is hardly a public forum to display girlish whims and fantasies. Each girlish whim and fantasy shall here be represented by a single asterisk.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

WHEW. I need a cigarette.

EDIT: Yes...each one of those asterisks represents an individual thought or whim. Me needs a hobby.....

Get back, Loretta

http://www.cracked.com/blog/how-to-throw-an-insane-orgy-using-craigslist/

Please read this. I think I threw up my spine during a particularly intense fit of laughter.

That is all.

'Cause I'm a VOODOO CHILD

Getting high and listening to Hendrix whilst talking to WRA about guys is the best decision I ever made.

I'm a voodoo child, fucker.

Out.

Los hijos de puta

Cada noche, me siento aniquilada. Perdida. Vacía.

Las horas se marchan tan lentamente cuando estoy sola. No hay otra cara para ver, otro cuerpo que me puede tocar, otra voz que me llena las orejas. Y que lentamente, que patéticamente pasan las horas..

Que es un fantasma....

:-)

I feel giddy....oh so giddy...

I feel giddy and dizzy and blithe.

And I prithee, leave me to revel in my delight.

Productive B Block? Absolutely not. Worthwhile B Block? Hell yes.

Kanye is a gay fish

Just saying. What the fuck was he doing?

On a more relevant note........

PC. What to do what to do what to do....

I feel so out of my element. I've never lured a guy before. Those girls who can just put themselves out there and get anyone they want...what's their secret? What perfume do they wear? Is there a secret word that I don't know about, some weird password that will grant me access to his affections?

The human mating ritual is fucking bizarre.

Long time no see

It's been far far far far FAR too long since I did a meaningful post.

So I'm going to make it up to you.

Looking on the bright side of life:

1. JX and I have officially surpassed the awkward stage. We're laughing together, we're talking together, we're smoking together, we remember the same stupid inside jokes that we used to have, and we're generally pretty much the way we were at the beginning of last year. Awesome.

2. Callbacks seemed to go pretty well. I felt better about my audition this time than I usually do, and Feldy kept me around until the last round. I'm going to take that as a blessing.

3. I finally sat down with my parents and had a long talk about the way I feel: how I feel like I can never do enough to satisfy them, how I feel like they never trust me, etc etc. I'm really happy we all sat down to talk about it because I think we all feel a lot better, and things are out in the open.

4. I'm not failing English class. YES.

On the less green side:

1. Didn't speak to either TF or PC today. TF was dancing with a slut on Saturday and PC wasn't even there. Great....

2. I may not be failing English, but I'm definitely failing Calc. That first quiz......I really should have just taken Math Topics.

3. Red-Nosed Reindeer fucking GROPED me on Friday. Every single one of my guy friends and a good number of my girl friends now want to kill him.

4. I can't find my favorite thong. Problem.

Life is average.

Well....

It's a problem.

Why. Why why why why why why why why why and WHY.

Of all the boys. Why this one? Or these two.....fuck.

Although this could be the start of a good trend. For once, I'm liking nice guys.

Short post. I'm exhausted because I just fucked three coed's for $60 worth of crack.

You were just a paper book

Wow..it's been a week since I last posted.

Insanity.

I need to start writing college essays. I'm writing one of the supplement essays about my brother. Hopefully I don't embarrass that kid too much.

I've woken up pretty fucking early these past few days. Weird.