Of all the hearts in the world

She walks into mine. She hit me like a truck. I always knew she was beautiful. I always knew she had the heart of a saint. I never could have guessed that I'd so cherish the brush of her lips against my shoulder. She hugs me around my waist, the pads of her fingers in the little dips in my spine. "I missed you," she says, even though I saw her only yesterday. She blinks and her eyelashes paint little tracks of wet mascara across my neck. Her voice is soft. She says she can't sing, but I want to hear her anyway. She asks me to sing instead. I purposefully pick "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse so that she won't realize that all I want to do is wrap her in a plaintive melody that expresses how intoxicated I really am. Sometimes she places her hand in mine. It always surprises me how well her fingers and mine fit. Her head tilts to her right until it comes to lie in the crook of my shoulder. It's so easy to pretend that this is real. So easy to imagine tilting my chin toward hers and brushing my lips against the corner of her mouth. So easy to hope that she wants the same thing. And then, as quickly as my heart began to beat, she drops my hand, throws her head back and laughs, and tells me stories of her weekend romantic escapades. And I discover how well matched are reality and jealousy.

It can happen

She's bi.

Like, for real. She's really bisexual. And she chose to tell me.

This isn't just a stupid crush anymore. This could be real.

HOLY FUCK THIS WAS AN AWESOME NIGHT.

Before we get too old

I am determined.

Last semester was horrible. This semester won't be. I can tell you that.

Now it's time to breathe...

Seal it with a fist bump.

Envy

I'm doing a series of posts based on the deadly sins. Because I like pictures of things that I want but can't have.

Guess which one this is.

Will I ever be as talented and beautiful as Polina Semionova or Natalia Osipova? No, but that doesn't mean I can't keep trying.

Audrey Hepburn = Gamine at its most perfect.

Only Natalie Portman could look hot with a shaved head.

Adriana Lima as Amy Winehouse. There are so many great things going on here. I like, verreh nice how much???

So cute. She pulls off the innocent-refined balance really well. Just one of the reasons I wish I were French. Audrey Tautou, oui oui!

Of course I love Bette Davis' eyes.

My body modification muse. Do I need to say anything else? Angelina Jolie is amazing. Love the confidence, love the tats...just, love.

This was the only photo of Asia Argento I could find that wasn't horribly obscene. But gotta love her for her chutzpah.

I never knew Freida Pinto could pull off the rumpled bedhead thing. Well, she can. For sure. Damn her and her stockings.

I love Rosario Dawson. Love her love her love her love her love her. Have I mentioned that I love her? Because I love her.

Stay tuned for a new part in the series - most likely lust (although lust and envy certainly overlap).

Yay 2010!

2010

ohhai 2010 eez heer we haf gud tym, yes kthnxbai

Tale of two cities

2009 was awesome. And it sucked. It did both and it did both with great fervor.

So, without further ado, here are the top 5 best and worst moments of the past year. Ever.

WORST.

FINE: Alright, let's all get this out of the way. The breakup sucked. Hard. But everything has gotten so much better since then that it's really difficult for me to even really remember how bad it was. I have to rely on reading my old posts, and its obvious that it was a pretty low point for me. So the breakup is going on the list. But time really does heal all wounds - I love where things are today.

Date Rape (almost): I don't remember much of what actually happened: I went up to the extra bedroom with him in a drunken daze, chaos ensued, and I ended up half-clothed, cowering on the floor of a small closet and feeling my lungs constrict more and more with every breath. He kept coming closer and I was too paralyzed to move or even to scream what was running through my head: no no no no no no no no. Then the others came into the room and I don't think I've ever been more relieved in my life. Or more humiliated, more dirty, or more confused.

Age of Discovery: The fact that I still think I'd punch the leaky pipe if I ever saw him again is a ringing testament to just how much his douchebaggery sucked. He had nothing to gain from this except confirmation that he knew how to work a computer and he had an itchy "Forward to All" finger. Did nothing but cause about 27 heart attacks and convince everyone involved that he's a squeal. Well done, you fucker.

Guilty as Charged: Whether I was directly responsible, whether I had a major or minor part, whether I was doing it on purpose, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I hurt my best friend, and even though it's been months upon months upon months since then, I'm very sorry and very ashamed. From then on and from now on, my life will be clique-free or she has full permission to take the Lovely Latvian away from me forever. :-)

Runaway: "I don't know what to do with her anymore. I give up. I'm done. She's nothing but bullshit." Like I wasn't standing right there in the room listening to them talk about me as if I were an asylum patient. So I solved their problem and I left. It was cold outside, and the world can be scary at 4 in the morning. But I wasn't sure whether I'd feel any safer at home.

Well that was fun. Let's continue.

BEST!!!!! Disclaimer: There really are way too many to narrow down to 5. But I'll try. So if your favorite isn't on here, I didn't forget it.

Labor Day: Do I really have to say much else? Not only was this one of the most ridiculous weekends I've had pretty much ever (wild party + awkwardly revealing conversation at slightly less wild party + broomball = ????????), it marked the beginning of everything returning to normal...ish. Sweet.

Nuts and Crackers '09: I've never danced better in my life, and my best friends were there to watch me do it. This was the culmination of years and years and years of spending every extra minute of spare time with my favorite ballet geeks. We laughed, we sobbed, we were as proud of ourselves and each other as a parent is of his child. Ballet Arte girls + Prince in Training.....we done good. This was the best performance of my life. Some additional perks: spending time with her, eating way too much food, hot cider, glitter dust, whore makeup, clucking the entire Nutcracker Suite, best friends and flowers. And BOWLING.

"Yes": I don't have to feel the same way that I did then to remember how happy this made me. I was so scared that he would say no. And then he said yes. And all was well and right with the world. All about the simple joys, my friend.

Waste Not: Alright, there was a section of PDW that was downright awful. The rest of it was pretty fucking great. I still can't believe that was only 2 days of insanity. It felt like 16. This is one of those weekends that I'll still talk about with my college roommate three years from now. KILLER ANTS! KILLER AAAAAANNTTSSS!!!!

Against all Odds: So the breakup sucked. But you know what didn't? Having prom pictures taken of me and my upgraded date Smooth Operator (buahahaha) literally less than half a week after JX and I split. I win this round, sweetheart. Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

So there you have it. The best of times and the worst of times. Here's to another year that will hopefully be as crazy as the last.