There is NO classier music...

than the Bee Gees.

Yup yup yup.

Filling in the Spaces

There's been way too much empty space.

I can't go to ballet class regularly because I've got an unfinished application that needs to be finished by Friday. I'm going insane.

PC has swine flu. There goes my incentive to care about the way I look at school.

I'm spending way too many lunches studying alone in my car for tests that I'll never be prepared for. I miss my friends.

The same detachment and haze I felt in freshman and sophomore year is coming back. It hasn't hit full force, but I can feel it creeping up. The old jokes that we all know and love don't make me laugh anymore. My smiles are half-hearted and my responses nonexistent. What shouldn't bother me pisses me off and what should bother me doesn't spark a reaction at all.

I'm worrying about my food again. How much I'm eating, when I'm eating, what I'm eating, what will happen if I eat this or that, what I ate yesterday. How long I can go without eating, when it starts to hurt. Whether I can create enough empty space.

I'll tell you something; the end of last year certainly wasn't fun. I was in pain nearly all the time. But I was feeling something, which is more than I can say right now. How can something possibly hurt so much and still be better than the empty space?

It's no secret that I'll indulge in a few recreational substances. It's been a part of my life since fall semester of junior year. But back then I was doing it to have fun. Now I'm trying to fill in the gaps, and even I'm sharp enough to recognize that's a scary sign.

I want me back.

Hmm....

It's interesting how I can track my life through the "Once" soundtrack.

"I think it's time we give it up, and figure out what's stopping us..."

While there's still something left to save

WOAAAHH WOAAAHHHHH OOOHHHHH

I got sick...fantastic.

I think it's just fleeting, so I'll still be at school tomorrow. But keep a wide berth. Probably not taking psych test tomorrow. Another thing to worry about over the weekend.....

I went and saw my therapist for the first time in about 6 weeks. I caught her up on pretty much everything that's changed. That I'm (sort of ish not really kinda) openly bisexual-except to my family, friendly acquaintances, teachers, close-friends-who-aren't-quite-close-close-friends. That I pretty much completely repaired things with JX and that we're better friends than we were at the beginning of last year. That I've made friends with Maria Juana (although the extent of that relationship was greatly watered down in my description...)

It felt good to talk to her again. I really shouldn't let that much time pass between appointments.

Maybe I'll SNAP. AHAHAHAHAHEEEEHEEEEEHEEEEEEEEEIAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIII.

I don't hate you, but I just want to save you....

Well....

Mixed signals abound.

I really don't know what to think. I have next to zero idea about how he really sees me. Maybe I'm not girly enough. Too girly. Too blunt. Too subtle. I don't fucking know.

To Whomever it may concern

Hi.

I'm not so good at the whole subtlety thing, so I guess I'll just come out and say it...

I'm kinda into you...

You can do with that what you will I guess. I just wanted to tell you...so I wouldn't have to wonder and think about all of the "what-if's"

See you around?






FUCK

Give me a reason to love you

Pros:

-http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=30514553&op=1&o=all&view=all&subj=511795607&aid=329878&auser=751105453&id=1042020196
-the look on his face when he first saw me....I wish I could relive that moment forever. I felt gorgeous.
-the effort he went through to make a good first impression on my father
-his smile......good god his smile
-flirting and laughing and taking stupid pictures with the mask in the limo
-sitting on his lap for a while at the dance
-brushing up against his arm and him not moving away
-"Are you saying my slut factor is inadequate?" "No. I'm saying you have enough self-respect to not flaunt what you have in front of everyone and their mothers."
-that last hug......that merited a closed-eye smile and a sigh


Cons:

-still doubtful
-NOT an enthusiastic conversationist over text at all
-going for the kill is incredibly risky

FUCK

So uncertain

So I'm not quite entirely sure of what to make of last night.
The limo ride was fun. PC was flirting and he had his arm around me.
The look on his face when he first saw me in my dress was priceless. My heart stopped.

We didn't dance. But it was enough just to be there to talk to him. Listen to his laugh. Look at his smile and try not be TOO obvious that I've pretty much fallen head-over-heels.
I sat on his lap for a while. Success.
He couldn't stay over, which made me sad. I ended up pretty much snuggling with Criss Cross for the night. Wish it could have been Him. Although I was pretty gone by that point, and you all know how much I love physical contact when I'm fucked up.

When PC had to leave, I got a fantastic hug.

I can't think straight. More to come.

The sun'll come out...

tomorrow.

I don't know you, but I want you

Except I do know him.

So....I still haven't figured out exactly what happened with the thong in my car. I've been left with the following clues.

1. My car was entirely free of thongs when I first got in it this morning.
2. When we got to school and my brother got out of the passenger seat, there was a thong. On the passenger seat.
3. The thong is not mine, and does not belong to anyone I know.
4. The fucking thing had been well-worn and not washed.
5. My brother offered no comment.

What am I left to assume?

1. (please please please please please dear god let it be this option) Someone somehow managed to sneak a thong into my brother's pocket as a joke.
2. Err....my brother had some fun that I was unaware of and either purposefully or mistakenly kept a trophy...

That begs another question. Or several questions. WHERE, WHEN, AND WITH WHOM?

And please let it be just a bra next time....seriously.

Change

I changed the picture above my blog.

Now everyone knows who I am.
Of course, a limited set of people even know that this blog exists, but still. I am exposed.

There I am, sitting in a romantic tutu looking up at my friend in a particularly calm moment backstage.

I told some of you that there was something I needed to say to you tomorrow. Something I've been hiding. Starting with this picture, I'm going to be honest. From now on.

I'll take that pledge.

It's official

I think way too much about PC

I think about him in class. I think about him when I'm driving home. I think about him before I sleep. I think about him when I wake up and decide what bra to wear. I think about him when he smiles at me. I think about him when I dance. I think about him when I listen to music and somehow every song relates to him.

Is it girlish of me to hope that I occupy at least a little bit of his mind....even just a little bit?

See how they run like pigs from a gun...

Well I bought a dress.
PC asked to see the color :-)
Maybe he'll try to match.

"Limo's are kind of overrated. It would be fun if just the two of us could go up together."
I convinced him to come with us, but I'm liking his thought process.

EVERYONE

I officially own a onesie.
It's magnificent.

Short and Sweet

I've got a huge government test tomorrow that I'm really not looking forward to.
So this is gonna be short.

I'm really really really excited for homecoming.
I'm already imagining what his face will look like when he first sees me in my dress, all dolled up and ready to be gorgeous.
I'm already listening to his laugh in the limo.
I'm already checking pictures on somebody's digital camera.
I'm already catching a few glimpses from him and smiling because we were the only ones who noticed.

And of course the dancing. The dancing, the dancing, the dancing, the dancing.
Never was a greater gift given to a girl than the ability to hint at what she'd be like in bed and not get called a whore.
And the slow songs....everything starts with that first hug, the first notes, the first few breaths taken in sync because you can feel his chest and his heartbeat.

<3 "I could have danced all night..."

And I'm flying so high..

He said yes.



That is all.

I gotta feeling...that tonight's gonna be a GOOD FUCKING NIGHT

Oh. My. God.

He wants to go off campus with me tomorrow. He didn't even ask. He ORDERED. (That's kind of hot...) And he wants to be alone.
He told me that I'd be a hot Elektra.
He laughed at all of my stupid jokes and provided some witty banter in return.
I got smileys and winkie faces.
His brother had a long conversation with me; his brother is such a big part of his life, I can't help but fool myself into thinking that it's a good sign.

My heart is pounding. I'm hyperventilating. I can't smack this fucking grin off of my face. Everything is fantastic.
This is the highest I've ever been in a while.

For the first time I feel...wicked

:-D

This is it.

So tomorrow's the day.

Outfit: Planned (denim mini skirt, lace tights, ankle boots, low cut tank, leather jacket zipped up juuuuuust enough)

Makeup: Thought out (concealer, orgasm blush, gold-rimmed eyes, the blackest and thickest mascara possible, nude lips)

Perfume: My favorite (Lancome Miracle)

Mannerisms: Straightforward and flirty (genuine smiles, laughter, happy eyes)

Statement: Basic ("Hey, do you want to go to homecoming with me?")

Brain at this particular moment: fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

I make sad men HAPPY

-I sat with him at assembly.

-Before assembly, he ran up behind me and started massaging my shoulders.

-During assembly, he put his hand on my thigh and pulled me towards him and told me to sit closer.

-When I said I was feeling like I was gonna pass out (I gave blood and I was kinda wooooooozy) he pulled me closer to him and rested my head into the crook of his neck and said, "Eees okay" in his stupid, funny faux Mexican accent.

-"You can just pass out against me. I can deal."

-I leaned against him for a while and he didn't move away.

-He turned to talk to me and he spoke really quietly so I'd have to lean in closer to hear him.

-He refers to the purple pants Friday as "our thing"

I may not be a man, and I wouldn't say I was sad......but goddamn am I happy.

I'm SO much more confident in asking him to homecoming now.

I gotta feeling...that TONIGHT'S gonna be a good night!

Happy October

I could talk to him no problem when I didn't feel so strongly.

Now it's like I'm crippled.

I hate this.

GG2 keeps telling me that it's as easy or as difficult as I perceive it to be. And that's completely true. But I can't get past the what-ifs. It's scary.

I barely got to say two words to him this week. I've been spending my B blocks working on a Calculus project with Shakira. Total math immersion. That's hardly a good atmosphere for being coy and warmly seductive.

What now?