When You Bite The Hand That Feeds

Tonight, I'm babysitting my brother and his friends.

That gives me a lot of time to think.  Watch stupid movies.  Read.  Write.  Cry.  Whatever.

I wish I could just dance for the rest of my life.  Not sleep, not eat, not think...just dance.  

Life could be boiled down to pirouettes, arabesques, jetes, glisaddes, and entrelaces.  Beautiful.

Everything would have it's position.  Each limb, each finger perfectly placed in relation to the others.  

Everything would be so beautifully controlled.  It's nice to have that control in dance.  Because nearly everything else is fucking us all over.

The first semester and second semester feel like different times...different places.  Different people.  "Things never end...they just change."

Everything ends.

GG2 and Cylon

I love you guys.  Seriously.

That's the only thing I can say.

I Made It

I'm a senior.

I have nothing left to do this year.  I'm done.

And now, of course, I have no idea what I'm going to do with my time.

See you all on the other side.

Important Revelations

1.  I really, really, really like Cyd Charisse.  Like....a lot.  (look her up)

2.  I worry about shit far too much for my own good.

3.  I'm ready to move past this shit and start living for me again.  When he's ready to do the same, I'll be listening.  But until then.....I hope he has a really great time without me.

4.  I can say whatever I want, but the truth is...musicals actually do make me happy.  Especially on sick days.

5.  Gene Kelly was incredibly attractive.  And god DAMN could he dance.

6.  I'm pretty much a senior.  Official as of this Friday afternoon.

7.  Yes...I have an oral fixation.  Now stop giggling.

8.  I kind of wish I was going away to dance for the summer.  

9.  I'm definitely never going blonde.

10.  I am entirely too fond of lists.

And I Won't Disappear...

In this city!!

I got nothin' to fear...

Good evening, gentlefolk.

I'm happy to report that I'm doing far better than I have been doing in recent days, thanks in part to the much-needed honest, ass-kicking love from GG2, cuddle sessions with my doggie, rave lessons from Cylon, and the La Bayaderé score.

And, as awkward and unsubtle as he may be in his poorly executed "advances," Red-Nosed Reindeer has actually said and done some things that have made me feel a bit better, or even smile.  He's not a bad kid...he can actually be legitimately sweet when he really wants to.  He'll make some girl who most likely isn't me feel very lucky in the near and far future.

Nobody involved in my life is a bad person, to be perfectly frank (no...not even him :-p).  Of course, everyone says things and does things that they shouldn't.  Nobody always knows exactly what to do in any given situation.  But in most cases, just being there...listening, talking, arguing, crying, etc. is enough to make that necessary difference.  That's what my friends have always done for me.  I guess you know who your real friends are when you can basically spend an hour screaming at each other, and then be absolutely fine the next day because you KNOW that they're just trying to help you in whatever way they can.  That isn't the sugary bullshit that you get from most of the people you interact with.  It's legitimate care and love.  All I can hope for is that I can be at least half of the person that each of my friends has proven him or herself to be.  All I can hope (or wish haha) for is that I can give back to them what they have unconditionally and selflessly given me.

This will all be okay in the end.  Because even if this most current issue falls apart in my hands, the people I have at my side will more than make up for any darkness that I may face.

I got nothin' to fear in this city.

Where you goin' with that gun in your hand?

Hey Joe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand?
Hey Joe, I said, where you goin' with that gun in your hand? 

I'm going down to shoot my old lady. 
You know, I've caught her messin' around with another man. 
I'm going down to shoot my old lady. 
You know, I've caught her messin' around with another man, 
And that ain't too cool. 

Hey Joe, I've heard you shot your woman down, 
shot her down, now. 
Hey Joe, I've heard you shot your old lady down, 
Shot her down to the ground. 

Yes I did, I shot her. 
You know, I caught her messin' round, messin' round town. 
Yes I did, I shot her. 
You know, I caught my old lady messin' around town. 
And I gave her the gun. 
I SHOT HER! 

Alright. 
Shoot her one more time for me. 

Hey Joe, 
Where you gonna run to now? 
Where you gonna run to? 
Hey Joe, where you gonna run to now? 
Where you, where you gonna go? 
Well, dig it. 

I'm goin' way down south, 
Way down to Mexico way, 
Alright! 
I'm goin' way down south, 
Way down where I can be free. 
Ain't no one gonna find me. 

Ain't no hangman gonna, 
He ain't gonna put a rope around me. 
You better believe it right now. 
I gotta go now.

Hey Joe, you better run on down. 

Good bye, everybody. 

It gets easier every day

Not much easier.....but it's getting there.

I've decided to just say "Fuck it" and hold up the white flag.  I'm done with being so viscerally angry that I could flay a grown man alive with my teeth (eww....just think about that image for a second).  I'm done with trying to hold back curses and tears whenever I see him or whenever I hear his voice.

Now, it's time to try and fix what can be fixed.

I'm still hurting.  A lot of things still hurt.  A lot of things still make me angry.  A lot of things still make me sad.  But with enough work, there will be enough things to make me happy so that the ugly feelings can be offset.

Now all he has to do is take the bait.  Just answer your fucking phone.  Stop pretending like you can't understand anything I'm saying.  Because I'm not going to attack you.  I'm not going to rub salt into the wounds.

Just take a chance.  Just meet me halfway.

You said that I could call you or talk if I needed anything.

Well I do.  And don't you think that it's time for you to keep a promise JUST THIS ONCE?

I want us to be friends again.  But I can't fix this alone.

This is not justice

Listen to my heart...can you hear it sing?

Telling me to give you everything...

What's done is done.  I get that.  Maybe that's the least painful thing I have to face right now.

You know what hurts the most?  When I look at him and I know that he'll never think about this again.  He's gotten rid of his albatross, and he's done.  There's nothing in his eyes...

I just want him to see that he hurt someone...that sometimes, you can't just fucking shrug and say "Eh, what can you do?"

I just want to know that he gives a shit about what he did.

Because THIS...this is not justice.

To Whom It May Concern

I left you a voicemail detailing everything I wanted to say but couldn't, so I'm not going to go into that here.  Let's spare the innocent.

I've never wanted to strangle you more than I do right now.  But all I want is for you to say that you're sorry, that you fucked up...that you still care.  Because I definitely still care.

Let's face it.  I laid everything down on the line.  I gave you something very precious and you dropped it and you broke it.  I thought I could trust you not to run away from this.  I was counting on you to be different from them.

You told me that I needed to learn how to open up to people.  You told me that I needed to accept the humanity in everyone.  You told me that I was wrong when I claimed that every good thing has a catch.

Guess what?

You proved that I was right.

The Temple Dancer

This is one of those moments where all I want to do is abandon the rest of the world and just dance.  Nobody gets to watch me...I just have the world to myself.

Everything ends the same way.  Inevitably, you're left wondering what you did wrong...or whether you were ever really right in the first place.  Inevitably, you show the world just how weak you are, when the floor falls away from beneath you and you can't catch yourself before the plummet down into whatever lies below.  Inevitably, you let your guard down for just a day, a minute, a second...and that second is when you break.  Inevitably, you curse the world while you're down, and then you stop cursing and you start crying because there's nobody else to blame and the person who used to be there to help you up has disappeared.  Inevitably, you come to realize that this isn't going to heal (along with the others), because nothing you can say or let out can ever do justice to the amount of pain a girl can possibly carry.

Inevitably, you give up.  Inevitably, inevitably, inevitably.

There's an easy solution to this.  It's the solution that I've been implementing for my entire life.  I thought I could take the chance just this once...

The way to fix this is to shut it out.  Take back the broken pieces and keep them safe, under lock and key.

No, I won't ever know the joy of entrusting yourself to a person you love...but at least nobody can hurt me.

I'd rather be empty than be weak.

In Like A Lion

Welcome to May, ladies and gentlemen.

I move directly from one show into another...La Bayaderé rehearsals are getting pretty ridiculous.  So I guess I don't have to experience the debilitating end-of-theater-fun nostalgia, because preparing for ballets is fun too.

But I'll miss the student plays.  I know we all joke about the whole "theater nerd" group cliché, but it really is a pretty special group of people...the last game of Zoom-Zap-Shazam that we played after the strike (literally until the power went out in the theater) was worth every second of lost sleep that night.

Thanks, you guys...you made these past few weeks tolerable when everybody else was tearing their eyebrows out.

On a less smiley note, I revealed a part of my past this week that left quite a few of my friends in a state of "........"

The people I spoke to probably know what I'm talking about....if you don't, then you can decide for yourself whether you really want to ask me or not.

Basically, I just want to say this.

Yeah, what happened to me sucks.  It really really really sucks.  Especially if it happens when you're that young.

But Tyler Durden's right.  I can't, and I'm not going to let that dictate the way I approach and view other people.  I'm not going to forget, and I'm certainly not going to forgive...but I can remember that other people won't hurt me like he did.  I can learn from what happened to me and live my life accordingly...I don't have to hide behind some bullshit wall of paranoia.

Of course, it'll take a while for me to tear that wall down, but I'm trying.

And for now, that'll have to be good enough.