Tear you apart

So apparently our group is doing a bondage themed photoshoot for our English project.

Time to go buy a few hundred yards of electrical tape and cord.

I've moved into competitive hyperdrive.

There's a role that I want. That I really really want. That I'm fighting against some bad odds to get.

But I'm going to read and reread that play hundreds of times. I'll read every single commentative essay I can get my hands on. I'll read every footnote, research every outside reference.

And then I'll do my audition and I'll pray.

I wish I could have the common sense and wisdom to say that I'm not going to get my hopes up, but I can't really help myself when I work this hard for something. Although it is foolish...

The reassurance I've gotten when I ask for an honest answer regarding this issue has overwhelmingly been, "I don't know...I guess you have a decent shot. It's not like you're a BAD actress or anything." The nicest possible way to say, "Sorry sweetie...you're just kind of a mediocre performer. The sooner you figure that out, the less painful this will be for everyone."

Some people are just talented. They don't have to work, they don't have to struggle to earn their recognition.

Lucky bastards.

A basterd's work is never done

I have so much newfound respect for BJ Novak. No longer is he merely Ryan the Temp.

He's a basterd. YES.

I think my life is beginning to return to normalcy.

1. JX is speaking to me, and even laughing with me. Yeah, it's a bit fishy in the way that he just suddenly SWITCHED from being a total jerk-off to being a decent friend, but I'll take what I can get.

2. I'm doing crazy shit with GG2 on the weekends with absolutely no other intention than to be stupid.

3. I'm getting to know all of my teachers with reasonable sincerity.

4. I no longer get to take the weekends for granted, as the days of the week have now been filled with actual shit to do.

"It's getting better all the tiiiiime.."

Song of the Moment

She loves her Mama's lemonade,

Hates the sound that goodbyes make.

She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.

She swears that there's no difference

Between the lies and compliments.

It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough

The pictures that she's seen make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything...just ask her.

Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster.

And she just needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want.

Tries to act so nonchalant.

Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.

She never stays the same for long,

Assuming that she'll get it wrong.

Perfect only in her imperfections.

She's not a drama queen...she doesn't want to feel this way.

Only seventeen, but tired..

And she would change everything for happy ever after.

Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster.

But she just needs someone to take her home.

'Cause she's just the way she is, but no one's told her that's okay.

And she would change everything, everything....just ask her.

Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster.

And she would change everything for happy ever after.

Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster.

But she just needs someone to take her home.

And she just needs someone to take her home...

Family Ties

Here's the recent update.

My cousin Paige has still not been found. She's been missing since '08. Last she was seen in Florida, forced into prostitution and drug rings. That sighting was a few months ago. Who knows if she's even still alive?

Her younger sister Emily is still in juvie. Last suicide attempt was this past March

Their parents are getting divorced. The kids are all being split up, and its looking like my uncle might fall back into some really fucking dangerous stuff ie: meth.

My cousin Eli was beaten to a pulp by some fucking bastard who dragged him into a bathroom and fucked him up to "teach him a lesson" after he came out as being bi.

I would write more, but I don't think I can describe how I feel. Sorry.

White bandages

So I'm going to be on head injury lookout for the next week.

For those of you who haven't heard the story, I passed out in ballet. Blacked out completely. I hit my head on the floor pretty hard.

So far, everything is alright. But symptoms of a serious condition can show up later, so I'm gonna be on high alert.

Sigh...

There are so many things I want to say.

Right on time

Registration for our next, and FINAL year at LJCDS was this morning.

Is it really really strange that I'm almost excited for this semester to start?

I feel like it's the first year that I've really settled into myself. I can feel it in the way I walk, the way I stand. A lot of shit happened to all of us last year...a LOT of shit. But I predict that we're going to get to reap the benefits of those learning processes this year.

Just in time, right?

Things I Would Like To Do

-eat chocolate mousse cake

-scratch Bebop's ears

-fuck Jack Bauer

-fuck Robert Downey Jr.

-fuck Gerard Butler

-fuck Dr. Gregory House

-fuck Cedric Diggory

-fuck Elisha Cuthbert

-get my hair cut

-throw Bebop's red ball

-flirt with my brother's friends and make them nervous

-listen to "Dear Prudence" over and over again

-have a threesome with the Deschansel sisters

-smoke up

-drink the rest of the plum sake

-go to the beach/downtown/shopping/movies/??? with BB McGee, GG2, and GG3

-nerd out with the three people mentioned + the guys

-start dancing again

-play with fire

-swim at midnight

I want French dessert.

1. Buy an eclair.

2. Put eclair in blender.

3. Press 'Liquify'.

4. Buy hypodermic needle and syringe.

5. Suck up as much eclair goop as possible into syringe.

6. INJECT IT INTO MY VEINS.

Details

So I have been pressed.

And I did promise....

His dialog will be in italics.

So I snuck out of my room at around 11:something last night. I was itching to get out and walk around. Get a chance to see things when not many people are around and clear out my head.

I went to Fletcher Cove, which is where I always go when I feel like I need to think. I don't know exactly for how long I sat on the beach watching the water. It was nice. I didn't feel any need to rush myself.

At some point, I stood up and decided that it was time for me to go home. I always pay special attention to where I step when I walk up the ramp from the beach; when it gets dark, the uneven surface can become dangerous.

This time was no different. I paid special attention. SO much attention, I didn't see him sitting in the park until I got closer, looked up, and had the living shit scared out of me by a weird figure that I didn't notice before. Embarrassingly enough, I let out a pretty loud gasp, and MORE embarrassingly enough, I lost my footing and I tripped over the curb.

He stood up when he saw/heard me fall, and being a gentleman, he offered his hand to help me back up. "Sorry, did I scare you?" Before I could get a good look at him, I could tell that he was relatively young from his voice. 20's at the oldest.

"No..I mean yeah, but it's no problem. I'm sort of used to being the only one here." There wasn't much light, but what I saw confirmed that he was probably in his late teens. He wasn't staggeringly good looking, but he was better than average (no 'and then I fell in luuuuv' bullshit here). Darkish hair and a reasonably nice build. I DID notice, however, that he had particularly nice arms.

"Ah..come here often?" We both smiled at the obvious play on a cheesy standby pickup line. "Anyway, sorry I startled you. I didn't know anyone else was here either."

"Yeah...midnight isn't the peak beach hour."

"You might know. How often do you walk down here like this?"

This question took me aback a little. Divulging personal motive isn't something I do a lot. But there were three or four people standing at the lookout point less than 50 feet away, at least one of them a relatively large man whom I could ask for help if need be. So I took the jump.

"I don't know...maybe a few times a month. Less....more...I'm not sure."

"Doing what?"

"I don't know. Thinking. Daydreaming."

He turned to look out towards the ocean. "Well, if you're gonna come anywhere late at night...this seems like the place. I grew up near the ocean and I still can't believe how beautiful it is."

"Yeah...it's the only place I can really forget things. Let the world go."

"Natural high, right?"

".....yeah. Yeah, that's exactly it."

There was a nice pause here...I thought it would be awkward. But it wasn't.

He was the first one to break the silence. "You ever bring your friends, boyfriend down here with you?"

"Nah..usually just me. There have been a few late night beach hangouts with a good friend of mine (hahaha GG2), but other than that, no."

"Boyfriend doesn't like the beach?" He was saying it pretty lightheartedly, so I was equally lighthearted in my response. No need to be a downer.

"Good guess haha. No, boyfriend doesn't exist."

"Really? Wow, I guess I don't have to feel guilty about this conversation after all."

I didn't know what to say, so I just kind of laughed nervously and looked at the moon. YOU NAILED IT KIRA.....errgh.

"Nah, there are plenty of cool girls who are single...guys are way too chicken to make a move on anyone standing at the top of the ladder. Seriously, if there's any advice I can give to a girl, it's that guys are fucking terrified. Especially of pretty girls."

"So I keep hearing."

"They're telling the truth."

There was another pause.

"So...I should probably be getting home. I was out for longer than usual...can never really be too careful."

"Otherwise you turn into a pumpkin? Yeah..I know how that goes." He smiled and extended his hand. "I'll let you get home." We shook hands and then he pointed to my shoulder. "You've got a bit of grass on you. From the fall."

"Oh my god...great.." I brushed as much of it off as I could, and then he laughed a little. "Don't worry, it doesn't detract." Another pause.

"Well I'm glad I met you."

"Yeah...me too."

"I'm [name has been changed] Rob."

"Kira."

And I went home. No exchange of numbers, no stupid insinuations that we should hook up, nothing but a nice conversation with someone who was at the Cove for the same reasons I was.

I'm probably never ever ever going to see him again. But I'm okay with that.

And that's the story.

Ghosts

So I saw the old theater haunts recently.

My freshman self would be freaking the fuck out right about now. Not only did I hang out with them, but I CONVERSED with them and IMBIBED with them too?!?!!

It was nice. Not because I used to be severely infatuated with two of the young men in question. That's firmly in the past. But it was nice to show them that I was different from the girl they used to know. That I was stronger than the girl they left. That they didn't intimidate me anymore.

That I was a formidable opponent.

Plus, free shit. :-D

They asked me for my side of the story regarding JX (I'm going to use GG2's nickname for him now). I like to think I took the high road. They say they got his version already, but that they wouldn't tell me what he said....I doubt it's very flattering...

My words to them exactly, after being asked if he had cheated or something: "No haha, it was nothing like that...he's a good guy, he really is. We were just looking for different things. Had different ideas and ambitions regarding each other and ourselves. It just wasn't the match that he wanted. I haven't spoken to him recently because I don't really want to push matters right now. He's said that he needs some time away from me, so I'm going to respect that. But who knows? Maybe, hopefully, this year we can both bury the past and enjoy the friendship that we used to have."

They said they wouldn't tell him what I said. I don't really care either way.

I will say this. It's surprisingly satisfying to be kind...

Darkness falls across the land..

I LOVE VINCENT PRICE!!

My ballet intensive starts August 10. I can't describe how excited I am to get back into taking classes every day with my favorite Latvian.

Today is a do-nothing day. It's cloudy and I don't really want to do much other than listen to music and look at old pictures.

I'm a cool kid, eh?

I dreamed a dream

For the past six days, I've had the exact same dream. Every night. It's gotten to the point where it no longer scares me because it's just another part of the routine.

I wrote it down this morning. After almost a week, I've pretty much memorized every nuance, but I still wrote it all down after I woke up. Just to make sure I didn't miss anything.

I am sitting on the floor of my mom's office upstairs. My brother walks upstairs to tell me that my parents want me to come downstairs. I stand up and walk in a pattern of triplets, alternating the accent of each triplet between my right and my left leg. I walk downstairs where I see my mom, my dad, and two men in matching brown coats all standing in a close circle, facing inward.

One of the men is my father's height, about 6' 1", and he has short blonde hair. He has a lean, muscular build and his arms seem strikingly long. At this point, I can't see his face, but I know that he has big gray eyes, a turned down nose, and very thin lips. The other man has wavy auburn hair and is about my mother's height, 5' 7". He is less muscular than the other man, and his legs seem slightly bowed. He is stockier and looks less agile. His build is softer. I know that he has light eyes and a splay of freckles only on his left cheek.

I say, "Who are these people?" and my father replies that they're here to take me to a safe place. Kai walks out of the kitchen towards us and sings, "I get Kira's room" to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star".

My parents and the men come out of the circle. My parents stand together as the men walk towards me. The blonde one is holding a black bag. He says, "Hi Kira" and the man with auburn hair takes the bag from him and puts it over my head. There is one hole cut out by my left eye. The blonde man tapes the opening of the bag around my neck with duct tape. I begin to scream, and my mother walks towards us, takes the roll of duct tape, and tapes around the bag over my mouth so that I will stop screaming.

The two men each take a large knife and they each cut off one of my feet at the ankle bone. The auburn-haired man tells my parents this is so that I don't run away. After he is done cutting, he picks up one of my feet and asks my mom if she would like to keep it. She declines.

The men pull my arms towards them and place my hands inside a strange machine. The machine instant-freezes them solid so that my hands can be snapped off, almost like breaking a pencil.

My brother comes downstairs and starts screaming at the men to let me go. He rushes towards the blonde man, but my parents hold him back.

The two men pick me up by my arms and they drag me out of the house to a strange vehicle that I still can't identify. My family follows us outside. My brother is sobbing hysterically and pounding his fists on my father's back. My dad is smoking a cigarette, which is strange because he has never smoked in his life. My mom is pouring cups of water over the doorstep where my blood has spilled over. Kai is singing her song again.

Thoughts?