Ain't No Rest For the Wicked

I wish it were socially acceptable for me to just become a total beach bum straight out of high school.  I honestly don't think I'd be unhappy if I were to spend the rest of my life running through the water and dancing on the sand-iPod in one sweatshirt pocket and a strawberry lollipop on my tongue (I'm really craving a lollipop right now).  Of course, it wouldn't do for a woman over  the age of about 25 to be wreaking havoc  on the beach in a bikini, so I'd have to quit at that point.  But hey...live hard, die young.  I don't think it would be a bad way to go.

As we turn the sharp corner back into reality, I'd like to point out that Spring Break is pretty much half over and I've barely made a dent in the grand monster truck of work that I've been assigned.  Unfortunately, I'm driving the SmartCar of empty willpower and procrastination.  SmartCar will get eaten alive by monster truck, then will have to be scraped off of the grill with a spatula.

Yay.

Not all is hopeless, however.  I'm off to Mormonland tomorrow for a week of snowboarding, which I'm very much looking forward to (not looking forward to slaving away on a DBQ at the hotel instead of unwinding at the jacuzzi, but you can't always get what you want.  But if you try sometimes...YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED!)  GG2 seems to be doing better, which always makes me happy.  I will know more on this subject when I next see her in person, which will hopefully be as soon as possible.  On the relationship front, things are still still pleasantly stable (I don't think that should come as a surprise; neither one of us are terribly tumultuous people).  Adding on to the "Things Are Alright" list, if things go my way, Tyler Durden will keep this current short-haired and slightly-stubbled look, which most definitely suits him.  However, if he continues to resist my feminine wisdom (see below), I shall have to bribe him.  I'll come up with something.

GG2: Who are you going to believe...your instincts, or your female friends?

Tyler Durden: My instincts.

Me: INCORRECT ANSWER, SIR.

Finally, I'd like to give a shout-out to the charming young man in the blue pickup truck who first tried to merge directly into the side of my car on the freeway without a blinker, honked at me angrily as soon as he realized that my car was so inconveniently (yet law-abidingly) located in what must have been his personal lane (there is no other reason for him to have been so ridiculously angry), then proceeded to follow me all the way to La Jolla just to roll down his window and yell profanities at me at the stoplight on the La Jolla Village Drive off-ramp.  After he finished, he then turned around to go (this is important) back up north on the 5...he had DRIVEN PAST HIS EXIT just so that he could inform me of my status as (and I quote) a "fucking cunt-brained whore" as soon as the opportunity presented itself.

Now, I would have said something clever back to him, but I don't believe this gentleman had the ability to understand when he was being flayed alive by well-chosen words, so the effect would have been lost.  So my usual strategy when dealing with unsavory people was rendered useless.

However, I'd like to take this opportunity now to right some of the wrong.  Although I can't respond with a devastatingly witty retort, I have one last option.

"If you can't answer a man's arguments, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names." - Elbert Hubbard

To the charming young man in the blue pickup truck:  And you're a cocksucking, squealing prison bitch.  I'm sorry that your pimpled dick is smaller than my 4-year-old cousin's pinky finger.

Over and out.

I just need to breathe

It makes sense.

Of course I'm not going to immediately smile and say that everything's awesome, because it isn't.  But it will be soon.  And she's happy.  At this point, that's all that really matters.  And that makes me happy.  It's like finally exhaling after holding my breath for a month.

Just give me some time to think.  To breathe.  I can reason my way out of this weird funk that I'm currently in.

"Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing and fighting, my friend.  I have always thought that it's a crime, so I will ask you once again.  Try to see it my way!" - Kira's Logical Brain (good friends with Paul McCartney and John Lennon)

:-)

Bebop is on sedatives.

She's lumbering around with her eyes half-closed, tripping over the edges of rugs that have been in place for weeks and licking dark spots on the walls.

I love my dog.

In other news, I have once again done nothing of importance all day.  I woke up at 8:15 (30 minutes later than I was supposed to) and promptly left for track practice 5 minutes later.  Due to me being a high jumper, I was not required to complete the slightly brutal sprint workout that the other suckers had to do.  

Working on my house and later chilling with GG2 was no more productive (just the way I like it).  We did, however, manage to get brutally eye-raped by frat boys driving by in their pickup trucks (3 vehicles within the span of 10 minutes...good god.)  Seriously.  When is it EVER appropriate to yell, "Hey babe, hop in the back for a ride!!  Ow OWWW!!"?  Too bad that we're both underage........yeesh.

I've dedicated the rest of this day to just thinking about all of the things that I haven't had time to think about in past weeks.  I don't know if I'll come up with any solutions, but it'll be nice to know that I tried.

Primarily on the list: What the hell do I need to do so that the people I love aren't disappointed in me?

Let's start with my parents.  They would never say out loud that they wish I weren't taking so many medications, or that they'll always wonder what it would be like to have a kid they didn't have to worry about so much.  But I can see it.  It's in the way they look at old pictures of me in my single-digit years, in the way their voice changes slightly when they remind me to take my pills in the morning.  They wish I weren't so messed up, and it kills them to think that this is who they're stuck with.

The question for me to answer is, what the hell am I supposed to do about it?  There has to be something.  There has to be something that I can control.  For their sake and mine.

Moving on to my best friends (you all know who you are).  I've mentioned the word "futility" quite a lot in previous posts.  Still fits.  I can't say or do anything to make anything better, and it frustrates me to no end.  I don't think anything hurts me more than seeing my friends in pain.  It hurts even more when I'm absolutely useless in my efforts to soften the blows.  I love them more than anybody else in my life.  I don't think I could function properly if I were to lose any one of them.  It's honestly my biggest fear.  It goes beyond just a "oh no, now I won't have anybody to gossip with" thing.  It's a deeply-rooted terror that I'll lose somebody I love because I wasn't able to do anything to save them.  That may be selfish of me, but it's the truth.

So I guess all I want from my friends is this.  Let me know when something is wrong.  Call me if you need a voice to listen to or an ear to rant at.  Yell at me, hug me, slap me across the face, do WHATEVER YOU NEED to do to make things even just a little bit better.  Hell, I will drive to any damn location at any time of night if you need me to be there, if that's what it would take to keep you safe.

Just don't make me watch you disappear.  Please.  

Boxxybabee can go to HELL

Squeaky little scene bitches make me want to throw things at mirrors.

Anyway.

At 9:40 in the evening, I have done nothing of importance except attend my first ballet class in a WEEK (it's amazing how badly your calves can cramp up if you don't dance for a full 8 or 9 days).  My house is cold, my temples are THROBBING, I'm dreading track practice tomorrow, and I feel no desire to do anything other than eat exorbitant amounts of food and sit in one spot for hours on end.

And so the spring break party begins.

In other news, Tyler Durden and I are finally acting like a couple.  Cuddling, knowing smiles, spur-of-the-moment kisses...it's all there.  GG2 should be quite proud, as we have both overcome our spineless, pitiful shyness. 

This post is dying a slow death.  I can't think of anything interesting to say at this point...perhaps I'll make another song list tomorrow.

Over and out.

Song List: In The Biblical Sense

Ok.

I'm in an undoubtedly strange mood.  So, starting today, I'm going to begin making comprehensive lists of which songs make me feel a certain way.

Today's list is:  Songs that make me HOT

1.  I Want You-The Beatles

The title pretty much says it all.  The lyrics coupled with the slow, almost snake-like rhythmic guitar lines get me every time.  

2.  You Know I'm No Good-Amy Winehouse

She's got such an incredibly sexy voice.  This song evokes a certain retro "forbidden rendevous" tone...like "Romeo and Juliet" except with more illicit sex and mind-altering drugs.  Plus....I have a feeling the beat would be REALLY fun to do a striptease to.  Not that I've ever done any experimenting on my own with this issue...........

3.  You Can Leave Your Hat On-Joe Cocker

Okay.  This song was MADE for stripteasing.  Good god.  I don't think I really have to say anything else.  

4.  Alone In The Dark-John Hiatt

The guitar riffs in this song are so damn hot.  I feel like I should be wearing thigh high lace stockings, patent pumps and a leather corset every time I'm listening to this alone.

5.  Closer-Nine Inch Nails

The very first lines get me horny.  Yes, I know this song is a bit violative and sexually intense, but those close to me know that's not necessarily a turnoff for me.  The animalism in the lyrics gets to me like nothing else...especially when coupled with a beat and a sound mix that just screams "SEX".

6.  Glory Box-Portishead

Even the title is sexually suggestive.  This song reminds me of an old 1930's nightclub-sleazy and base in the most sultry way possible.  It's very cat-and-mouse...you think you can fulfill all of your wishes, but there's always something holding back.  It's urgent, it's frustration, it's passionate...it's just sexy.

7.  Pony-Far

Alright.  This one is a no brainer.  I don't think I need to explain this one....it's just very very hot.  Just a small warning.  If I've expressed an interest in a guy, and he's around me when this song is playing.....he can say a nice short goodbye to his personal space.

8.  Sister-She Wants Revenge

Yes, it has incestual themes...yes, it describes a drunken sexual tryst with somebody who could or couldn't be a family member.  I don't care.  There's a great bondage essence to this song...sexual control is hot.  "You can hurt me, do whatever you like."  That line.....good lord....

9.  Tear You Apart-She Wants Revenge

She Wants Revenge makes their second appearance on this list.  This song turned me on the first time I heard it.  It's one of the most primal, sexually urgent songs I've ever heard.  It evokes such great images of a passionately angry hookup, complete with spinal bruising and bite marks.

10.  Dragon Days-Alicia Keys

There are some superbly awesome guitar/piano couplings in this song.  Like many of the songs on this list (if not all) this song makes me think of an urgent, rough and aggressive sexual passion, which is always good.  And the lines comparing lust to an addiction can turn me on pretty much instantly if I'm in the proper mindset.

So there you have it.  Kira's Top Ten Sexy Songs.

Moonlight Sonata

I haven't posted in a while.  But I'm in a strange state of mind right now...so it'll probably just end up being a rant.

First of all...I would just like to say that he looks SO GOOD when he's shorter-haired and clean shaven.  It's much more "slightly shy, but very endearing indie boy with really nice eyes."  And yes, GG2, the bone throwing has commenced.  Barriers have been broken...good times.  Drinks all around!

On a much less exciting note, my grades came in, and I'm terrified.  I've been having a recurring dream where my dad hits me on the neck with a shovel or slams my head into the stove because he gets angry about my report card.  I don't know....I know (or I hope) that he wouldn't take such desperate measures, but there has to be a reason for these nightmares.  Literally...it's been the same dream for at least three weeks.  There has to be some anger or disappointment in his eyes that I've been subconsciously  picking up on.  

I'm kind of scared.

Alright.  Change of topic.

I agree with GG2-THEY NEED TO JUST GROW SOME DAMN SPINES AND DO IT.  Seriously...we aren't imagining it.  There's something there; it just needs a little bit of cultivation.

SS:  Hi.

SG: Hello.

SS:  I find you quite attractive.  Would you like to have sex with me?

SG: What a coincidence!  I was just about to ask the same thing!  It's a deal!

*they have sex*

It really is just that simple.  Come on, guys.

.....

I've started to play the piano again.  I've made it a goal to learn "Moonlight Sonata" for real.  Apparently it's the piece my mom used to play all the time when she was pregnant with me.  Maybe that's why I love it so much.  

Messhall out.

Kids

So I'm still on a bit of an adrenaline high after the track meet.  It wasn't even a competition...it was a fucking massacre.  LJCDS for the mother fucking win.

I'm so close to breaking the triple jump record....it's a tangible, breathing entity.  I just need to catch it.  6 more inches...come on Kira.

YOU CAN DO IT!

On a less exciting note, it's 8:15 and I still have 2 sections of math homework to do before the test tomorrow.  I haven't opened my history book since last week, and I'm a lab behind in Bio.

8:16

The futility is still a very real and very present force.  I'm scared that what I can do just isn't enough to make any sort of difference.

What if I lose her?  What if something happens that I can't do anything to fix or stop?

It scares me.  It scares me a lot.  Because I don't know what I would do in that situation.  Would I just spend the rest of my life crying and wondering if I could have done more?  Would I follow her into the dark?  Or would I just go numb...empty...what would happen?

8:25

I don't think I'll be sleeping tonight.  I can deal with that.  

Random thought...but I really miss playing the piano.  There are so many gorgeous pieces.  To have such a beautiful sound be at the complete mercy of my fingers...I miss that.  I miss that control.  Maybe if I have the time I'll pick it up again.

There's never enough time.

8:29

Sigh.

Bookworm

I'm in a book

For you to read and then throw out.

I wasn't born,

I was just dropped into your arms.

Tell Mom I've been bad,

And I want to come home.

And you couldn't breathe

With all those doctors at your side.

But you're talking to me,

Saying "I wish that I had died

'Cause I'm being crowded,

Pushed in your hands,

And I want to come home on the F Train."

And if you were just a paper boat,

Floating through the garden.

Lost at sea, drift to me

And into someone's nightmares.

A home is a highway,

Your pillow's a rock.

I'm in a rusted car

Bound to get lost.

Lick your cigarette then kiss me.

Futility

1.  The quality of having no useful result; uselessness.

2.  Lack of importance or purpose; frivolousness.

3.  A futile act.

All applicable...

It's 7:14 PM.  I'm sitting in my room eating chocolate covered raisins and listening to Margot and the Nuclear So-and-Sos.  

End of first song.  7:15 PM.

There's not much that's more infuriating than feeling useless.  It doesn't make me sad; it just makes me angry.  I'm in a position where I am of no use to anybody around me.  

I try.  I try so fucking hard.

7:20 PM.

I try to make my friends see just how special and important they are, but everything I end up saying turns out to be meaningless or insulting.  I try to let my parents know how much I want them to care about me and respect me...I just get more threats of institutionalization because I'm going insane.  I try to keep my grades at a respectable level, but they just slip through my fingers like grains of sand, no matter how hard I push myself.

7:23 PM.

It hurts to watch everything I care about waste away.  It hurts to watch the people I love suffer.  But I could tolerate it if I felt like I could do anything to ease the pain.

Because I feel like the only thing that's within my power is to just stand by the side and pray that things don't get worse.

7:25 PM.

Mi corazón no aguanta más fracasos

No worries...this one's in English.

Not that I have anything against Spanish...in fact, I think it's a gorgeous, sensual language.  If only I could enjoy it without suffering the grade...

But anyhoo.

I really wish I could just stay in bed all day tomorrow cuddling with my dog.  She's so nice to cuddle with.  But I wish a lot of things, and I'm lucky if they come close to actually happening.

1.  I wish my friends could be as happy as they deserve to be.  I'd do anything to make that happen.

2.  I wish I could be the girl my parents always dreamed I would be.  They do a reasonably good job of hiding their fear and disappointment, but it still hurts to know that I fell short.

3.  I wish I could learn how to say "I love you".  It's been almost 7 years since I've said it out loud to somebody...even my family.  It's not that I don't feel it...I just can't get the words out.

Es un lástima....

Es un lástima que nunca vaya a ser la mujer que mis padres y mis amigos querían.

Es un lástima que no pueda realizar mis sueños de bailar.

Es un lástima que mi perro sea la única que me ama sin condiciones.

Es un lástima que mis notas sean tan terribles.

Es un lástima que no tenga el deseo de vivir, pero tampoco no tenga el deseo de morir.

Well then.

That last post was pretty fucking half-assed.  So I'm actually going to put some effort into this one while the rehearsal brownies are in the oven.

I've decided that nothing will ever matter as much to me as the well-being of my friends.  It's taken me a while to actually realize it, and I'm a bit ashamed that I was so selfish before, but there it is.  And so here goes nothing.

I can't describe the intensity of the admiration and love I feel for my best friend (to protect her identity, I shall not use her real name).  GG2 is one of the strongest, most intelligent, and most incredible people I've ever known.  She may think that I'm saying this because she will read this at some point, but I feel every single bit of what I claim, plus plenty extra.  I literally trust her with absolutely everything (I'm certain she knows more about me than my family and my therapist combined).  She has saved my life more than once; she is more important to me than I can ever possibly put into words.  My biggest wish at this point is that she will eventually see what I see-an undoubtedly beautiful person in every way possible.  I love you, GG2 :-)

Cylon (yes, it's an alias) is my best guy friend, and I don't think that will change for a long time.  He's one of the only guys I can go to for legitimate advice, and one of the only guys I feel like I can trust...that means a lot.  He's put up with so much of my crap, and he's never asked for anything in return (I'm sorry about the endless Jack Bauer babble haha......:-P).  Like GG2, he has saved me from doing something terrible, and I will forever be grateful to him.  I owe him a lot...thanks for everything, Cylon.  And by the way.........................Marla Singer IS the best option.

Tyler Durden (haha you're welcome) has been my friend for quite some time, and that will never change.  But there's been a recent development in our lives (I'd like to think of it as a good one) that has led to a different sort of relationship.  In 8th grade AIM-speak, 0mG hez tOtAlLy lyk mi bf lolzz.  But anyway...

I'm not sure if he's going to read this, but that doesn't really matter.  I could say quite a bit on this topic, but then I'd find myself rambling, and nobody wants that.  All I'll say is this; he makes me happy.  He makes me feel safe.  He makes me laugh.  In short, he's everything I could want in a boyfriend.

You all make my life worth living.  I wish you all the absolute best in your lives, because you deserve nothing less.

I love you guys more than you can possibly know. <3

Alvin Ailey

Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater has changed my life.

I'm just throwing that out there.  If you've never seen them perform, even if you aren't a modern dance fan, look them up and get tickets to a local touring show.  I mean it.

RIGHT NOW.  DO IT.

An Open Letter to 12 Year Old Kira

Hey.

Don't expect any deep insights about the teenage years that are slowly creeping up on you; I don't have any.  I'm still trying to figure shit out for myself 4 years in.  I'm more fucked up than I ever could have imagined, and whether you want to or not, you'll end up the same way.  All of those naive dreams and aspirations you have now won't mean shit in a few years.

Let me give you a pleasant preview of what you'll get to experience as you get older.

You'll stay awake for days on end, unable to sleep because if you actually do fall asleep, you'll have the most horrific nightmares of your life (I'm serious-Guillermo del Toro couldn't come up with better insanity).  

You'll wake up feeling so lifeless and empty you could literally impale yourself on a large pike and probably not hit any vital organs.

You'll get to the point where crying even to release emotions isn't an option anymore.  Trust me; just try to cry in a few years.  You'll get nothing.  Absolutely nothing.

The main point here?  Enjoy what you have.  Seriously.  Because it's all going to fucking disappear, and you won't be able to get any of that youthful hope or faith back.

So live it up.

I saw it on Facebook, so it has to be true.

So, many people now know intimate details of my life due to a phenomenon known as "Facebook stalking" or, if you will, "friendly life surveillance."

People have come up to me and exclaimed their congratulations (or for a few certain people, condescending disbelief) about something I did not actually tell them. Do not get me wrong; I am not at all angry or embarrassed so much as amused. Do people really care enough about other people's lives to actually go through the effort to piece together a comprehensive story based upon choppy Wall-To-Wall conversations, Superpokes, and cryptic status changes?

I suppose we all enjoy playing the part of detective, and Facebook certainly provides the perfect mishmash of information tidbits generally desired when one is trying to solve a puzzle.

So apparently....

So apparently I'm going to Comicon.  Evidently that's part of the deal I made when I signed away my soul a week ago.

(Just kidding.  I've still got the 1/3 of the soul I had before last week.)

But, after much discussion and scrutiny with various peers, a comprehensive list of possible costume ideas has been formed.  

1.  Marla Singer from "Fight Club"

Pros:  I can TOTALLY pull off her crazy methhead hairstyle.  Not to mention she's one sexy motherfucker, without being too skanky.

Cons:  I might have to actually start smoking meth to make it believable.  But everyone makes sacrifices.

2.  Alyx Vance from "Half-Life 2"

Pros:  I've heard that I could possibly be convincing in this role, with my Mutt of the World looks.  Plus-FINGERLESS GLOVES!

Cons:  I'm terrified of the hardcore game fans that will flay me alive for not knowing every single possible cheat code and "Das Kapital" reference.

3.  Slave-girl Leia, from "Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi"

Pros:  Now THIS is a franchise I know and love.  I grew up on Star Wars.  Plus...TOTALLY would have hooked up with Harrison Ford in the 80's.

Cons:  I don't really want to become geekdom wetdream fodder all across the Midwest, which is always a risk when going with the chainmetal bikini option.

The Chronicles of an Insomniac: Pt. 1

Insomnia is a bitch.

Have you noticed that as you become more and more alone, time passes more and more slowly?  Being lonely is the easiest way to freeze time.  But of course, who wants to freeze time when there's nobody around to enjoy it with you?

I can think of a few select people I'd want to have with me when time stopped.  Obviously I'm not going to name names, but I'm pretty sure they know who they are.  Imagine having the entire world to yourself for as long as you wanted, with somebody you care about right there with you- to talk to, to laugh with, to hold onto and not have to let go of until you decide to let the rest of the world start up again.  Yesterday and today, I discovered quite acutely that time passes too quickly when you're with somebody you love.  That's the one bad thing about caring for people so intensely- I never get enough time.