I can't go to ballet class regularly because I've got an unfinished application that needs to be finished by Friday. I'm going insane.
PC has swine flu. There goes my incentive to care about the way I look at school.
I'm spending way too many lunches studying alone in my car for tests that I'll never be prepared for. I miss my friends.
The same detachment and haze I felt in freshman and sophomore year is coming back. It hasn't hit full force, but I can feel it creeping up. The old jokes that we all know and love don't make me laugh anymore. My smiles are half-hearted and my responses nonexistent. What shouldn't bother me pisses me off and what should bother me doesn't spark a reaction at all.
I'm worrying about my food again. How much I'm eating, when I'm eating, what I'm eating, what will happen if I eat this or that, what I ate yesterday. How long I can go without eating, when it starts to hurt. Whether I can create enough empty space.
I'll tell you something; the end of last year certainly wasn't fun. I was in pain nearly all the time. But I was feeling something, which is more than I can say right now. How can something possibly hurt so much and still be better than the empty space?
It's no secret that I'll indulge in a few recreational substances. It's been a part of my life since fall semester of junior year. But back then I was doing it to have fun. Now I'm trying to fill in the gaps, and even I'm sharp enough to recognize that's a scary sign.
I want me back.
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